IKEA, caffeine, and words of wisdom

Chanced upon this utterly hilarious and blasphemous dig at IKEA and THE MAN,



which got me thinking, is it part of company policy to decorate the interior of all IKEA stores alike? I swear, when I am inside IKEA, I cannot tell if I am inside the IKEA in Oakland, East Palo Alto, or Bukit Merah. It is unnerving. If you fall asleep in any of the IKEAs, you could come out driving on the wrong side of the road...

Caffeine:
I have a serious problem with caffeine and stimulants. I have 2 lbs of instant coffee, 2 lbs of ground coffee, 14 boxes of tea, 2 types of ginseng (sliced or diced), medical-grade glucose, in my pantry. It is a love-hate relationship. Without caffeine, I won't be able to do half the things I normally do. Ever tried an espresso train? Go to your favorite cafe, ask the barrista to give you 6 shots of espresso, each in its own paper cup. Line up the cups, and without pausing to breathe, pop each shot down your throat. Now go forth and conquer the world, champ. (NB: it is inadvisable to attempt this before engaging in work of a delicate nature. E.g. bomb disposal, breaking up with your Amazonian/athlete GF who is 10 inches taller than you and outweighs you by 80 lbs, etc.)

Eve's words of wisdom, "you don't have to justify your love for her," really stuck in my head. Like one of those annoying songs that just won't go away, I see the wisdom in her advice, but I just can't find a place to apply it to. It is like having torn off more scotch tape than you need, and you wander about the apartment looking for something to stick, somewhere to use it. Hmm... (Sorry, I'm too old for "Kick Me" signs on the backs of my housemates.)

Update:
So she tells me who she is referring to in her words of wisdom (duh! Silly me). I guess that's true. I definitely will need to go out and get some better clothes before that one dinner though. *Gasp!* "Ben buying new clothes? Where are the 4 horsemen?" Aww... Whatever dude. Shut up before I bitchslap you back into the Tang dynasty. *smirk*

Seriously though, once you cross the line, you can't go back. And I guess I am terrified about that. And no, I'm not being a little bitch about it. *Deflects all accusations of misogyny here in my use of the epithet* The reason why I am worried is because I do not want to lose her friendship if I get rebuffed or if things don't work out. It is the rare few who are able to move on and return to the prior friendship once they know that their good friend is romantically interested in them. Then again, the alternative is to sit on the sidelines going, "What if? What if?" for the rest of my life. (Ok, not so dramatic: until I forget her. Happy?) I don't want to be the Mr. Stevens of Kazuo Ishiguro's novel, The Remains of the Day, and be left with nothing but the satisfaction of having clung to an intangible form of social proprietary and decorum at the end of the day. Such matters are at once easier and yet more difficult if you are good friends to begin with, I'd suppose. You have more to lose if things do not work out.

To use a car analogy for you knuckleheads out there, it is the difference between ADDING a modification, and PERFORMING one. Let's say, you decide to modify your engine by... putting an aluminum billet oil cap? *BUZZ!* Wrong answer! That's RICE-ING an engine, not modifying. *BITCHSLAP!* *CRACKS HEAD WITH 4' LONG BREAKER BAR*

Try again!

OK, so you modify an engine by putting on a lightweight pulley. You find that you don't like it, because the reduced inertia increases your launch time from a standstill. So, you put the original back on. You lose a few hours of labor and 1 cc. of Loctite. No biggie.

Now, compare that with modifying an engine by port-matching your intake manifold with your throttle body. You, the brave and/or stupid and/or cheapass backyard mechanic decides to DIY with a dremel. Now, you found that you screwed up, and the performance is worse. You can't just JB Weld back the missing parts. You need a new intake manifold. In some cars, the fuel rail needs to come out before the intake manifold can be replaced. Enjoy!

Trying to get romantic with your good/best friend is like that, IMHO. Of course, the value of the relationship is immeasurably more than a new intake manifold and x hours of labor. This is beginning to sound like a continuation of the "platonic friends" thread... hmm.

You know, life would be so much easier if I was just one of those regular "guys who are dogs," who are only concerned with getting into the pants of the next available conscious female in their age range +/- 10 years. But, noooo... instead I desire a mental, spiritual, and emotional connection. Since I am obviously not gay, my only other option is priesthood. Hmm... No, I'm not jesting. I thought long and hard about it some years back. It is a long path though. 9 years before ordination, and a lifetime of celibacy... And with such naughty pictures on blogs these days. It just gets harder and harder. (Anyone misreading the preceding sentence will be thrice-damned to Hell forever: commandments of Father Ben).