much ado about nothing...
The morning went well, but I was just too tired to hang around for the afternoon, so I returned home to catch up on sleep. Ah, blessed sleep! The drool, snores, grunts and body odors (speak for yourself, eh?).
What was all hoo-haa about this morning? "Special News Report: Unidentified plane enters Washington, D.C. restricted air space. Massive evacuation underway. *scenes of people running*" Then later, "All clear has been given. False alarm. It was just a small private craft. *scenes of people trudging back to work." And much later, "Don't miss our exclusive interviews with people on the ground in this morning's scare!"
EXCLUSIVE INTERVIEW WITH SURVIVOR OF FALSE ALARM AT WASHINGTON, D.C.
REPORTER: So, Sir, tell us, what was it like this morning, caught up in this chaos and confusion? [Looks about nervously in a dramatic manner ala Geraldo]
SURVIVOR: It was frightening. I didn't know what was going to happen. We were just told it was an emergency. My heart was beating so fast. I mean, I'm fit. I go to 24-Hour Fitness once a week and get on the treadmill. But this is different. This is the real thing. You can't push a button and slow down the pace. You have to keep pushing yourself to increase the distance between you and the target. I didn't even have my heartrate monitor with me. I was flying blind. I could have overworked my heart, keel over and die. I wouldn't wish it on anyone.
REPORTER: It certainly sounds like a trying experience. Are you traumatized by it?
SURVIVOR: My sense of personal security has forever been shaken. I mean, there is no reason a proper, God-fearing, hardworking man, should be forced to leave the break room before he is done with his donuts and ordered to cover 5 blocks on foot in the shortest possible time. I am contacting my attorney to sue for emotional trauma. I foresee years of therapy to recover from this. I mean, I can still feel the donut stuck in my gullet now. I didn't even have time to chew... Would you like to take a look? [Opens mouth wide towards reporter]
REPORTER: Erm... No, thank you. That is not necessary. So... erm... I see, so you are suing the Federal government for this then?
SURVIVOR: I cannot comment on it right now. What I can tell you is that life has changed so much for me. Now when I look at a donut, I can't stop shaking. I had this great relationship with the folks at the Krispy Kreme round the corner. Now that's gone. The quality of my life has definitely diminished.
REPORTER: I'm sorry to hear that, Sir. I wish you best and am sorry for your loss. Thank you for your time. [Faces camera] And there you have it, folks. Exclusive one-on-one true coverage with a brave and lucky survivor of the false alarm at Washington, D. C. this morning. Over to you now, John...
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What was all hoo-haa about this morning? "Special News Report: Unidentified plane enters Washington, D.C. restricted air space. Massive evacuation underway. *scenes of people running*" Then later, "All clear has been given. False alarm. It was just a small private craft. *scenes of people trudging back to work." And much later, "Don't miss our exclusive interviews with people on the ground in this morning's scare!"
EXCLUSIVE INTERVIEW WITH SURVIVOR OF FALSE ALARM AT WASHINGTON, D.C.
REPORTER: So, Sir, tell us, what was it like this morning, caught up in this chaos and confusion? [Looks about nervously in a dramatic manner ala Geraldo]
SURVIVOR: It was frightening. I didn't know what was going to happen. We were just told it was an emergency. My heart was beating so fast. I mean, I'm fit. I go to 24-Hour Fitness once a week and get on the treadmill. But this is different. This is the real thing. You can't push a button and slow down the pace. You have to keep pushing yourself to increase the distance between you and the target. I didn't even have my heartrate monitor with me. I was flying blind. I could have overworked my heart, keel over and die. I wouldn't wish it on anyone.
REPORTER: It certainly sounds like a trying experience. Are you traumatized by it?
SURVIVOR: My sense of personal security has forever been shaken. I mean, there is no reason a proper, God-fearing, hardworking man, should be forced to leave the break room before he is done with his donuts and ordered to cover 5 blocks on foot in the shortest possible time. I am contacting my attorney to sue for emotional trauma. I foresee years of therapy to recover from this. I mean, I can still feel the donut stuck in my gullet now. I didn't even have time to chew... Would you like to take a look? [Opens mouth wide towards reporter]
REPORTER: Erm... No, thank you. That is not necessary. So... erm... I see, so you are suing the Federal government for this then?
SURVIVOR: I cannot comment on it right now. What I can tell you is that life has changed so much for me. Now when I look at a donut, I can't stop shaking. I had this great relationship with the folks at the Krispy Kreme round the corner. Now that's gone. The quality of my life has definitely diminished.
REPORTER: I'm sorry to hear that, Sir. I wish you best and am sorry for your loss. Thank you for your time. [Faces camera] And there you have it, folks. Exclusive one-on-one true coverage with a brave and lucky survivor of the false alarm at Washington, D. C. this morning. Over to you now, John...
COMMERCIAL: Stressed by work? Worried about bills? Having personal problems? No problem! Your answer is here. The new Rush Limburgh OTC Stone-Out™ Pills will relax just about anyone out there, without a prescription! The secret is in Mr. Limburgh's patented formula of Valium, Oxycontin, and Codeine. Now, these are all prescription drugs, but during one drunken night of orgy, booze and drugs, and the drugs ran out, a desperate Mr. Limburgh collected the powdery residue at the bottom of each prescription bottle, and discovered that they provide the same high when combined. The levels needed for each drug are so low that a prescription is not necessary, but combined, they provide a high that will even satisfy a dead elephant. Order now! Operators are standing by. Quantities are limited. Get yours now before Mr. Limburgh is arrested again!
posted by -ben | 6:40 PM
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