Narcissus' Echo

Thoughts, tears, rants, ruminations, hopes, fears, love(s), and prayers of just another being passing through this wracked sphere...

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A round peg in a world of square holes...

Sunday, January 08, 2006

Cycling Code Book

From MTBNate,

Cyclists are the biggest sandbaggers and secret trainers around. They'll say anything to soften you up for the kill. Don't let this happen to you. Study this handy rider's phrasebook to find out what they really mean when they say:

"I'm out of shape."
Translation: I ride 400 miles a week and haven't missed a day since the Ford administration. I replace my 11-tooth cog more often than you wash your shorts. My body fat percentage is lower than your mortgage rate.

"I'm not into competition. I'm just riding to stay in shape."
Translation: I will attack until you collapse in the gutter, babbling and whimpering. I will win the sprint if I have to force you into a pine tree. I will crest this hill first if I have to grab your seat post, and spray energy drink in your eyes.

"I'm on my beater bike."
Translation: I had this baby custom-made in Tuscany using Titanium blessed by the Pope. I took it to a wind tunnel and it disappeared. It weighs less than a fart and costs more than a divorce.

"It's not that hilly."
Translation: This climb lasts longer than a presidential campaign. Be careful on the steep sections or you'll fall over -- backward. You have a 39x23 low gear? Here's the name of my knee surgeon.

"This is a no-drop ride."
Translation: I'll need an article of your clothing for the search-and-rescue dogs.

"It's not that far."
Translation: Bring your passport.

Too true! :D

To which I'll add a few which I used on my ex-girlfriends,

"It's not that steep."
Translation: I calorie count every meal and intentionally go on diets to improve my climbing ability. And while you are huffing and puffing and cramping in running shoes and platform pedals, I am climbing in my top-of-the-line Shimano clipless pedals with US$250 ultra-stiff carbon-fiber-sole cycling shoes. And my 20 x 32 low gear? Oh, I prefer to spin rather than mash, that's all.

"Yes, we will get out before dark."
Translation: No, I didn't bring a flashlight, but I think we will probably survive until daybreak to find our way out. I did mention about bringing warm clothing along, did I?

"Just a little more."
Translation: I don't really know where the trail ends, but going on and on is a preferable option to facing your wrath if I admit we are lost.

"It's not that cold."
Translation: Yes, even though I'm attired in a polyester wicking base layer, thermal fleece top, windblocking vest, thermal fleece tights, and you are only clad in a regular spandex top and tights. Just pedal harder, hon. Besides, you look hot; you just need to feel it, that's all.

Hmm, maybe that's why they are my ex-girlfriends, eh?


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